Hi—my experience with selective mutism

Hi, my name is Marvin. I'm sharing my experience of living with and now overcoming selective mutism throughout my life. My earliest encounters with selective mutism involved silence in public places. I wouldn't speak outside home except for a few exceptions like the supermarket, only communicating with my parents and family much like other young kids with SM. It began with a bus ride to preschool. I remember boarding the bus with either my mom or dad. From that morning on, the outside world became a silent movie in which I was present but voiceless. A muteness which continued to preschool. Surrounded by the other kids, I felt different—I was different, spending most days playing alone. After a year or two I transitioned to a school called Woodburn Public where I still didn't know any of the other children.

I mostly spent lunchtimes alone, sitting and staring, watching the day. In class, when teachers did rollcall, I almost never responded to my name, although the others knew I was present and they would usually say I was there for me. Each January I wanted to flick an invisible switch, hoping the new angle might unlock my inner spirit.Accidents happened because I couldn't ask to leave the room, and the shame of damp shorts made the silence hell. My brother, two years older, was the only person at school I could talk to, but rarely.

At home I transformed. I belted out Nickelback, traded one-liners with Dad while we fixed fences. At home, I was me – a talker, a singer even, releasing all the emotion and thoughts I couldn't bare to express at school. I didn't have any awareness of what was going on then.

My parents were unaware of what I was going through at school because at home I acted as any child, I was enthusiastic, talkative—in fact not shutting up. They encouraged me to speak at school, but they didn't understand the depth of my struggle, my dad thought I was doing it for other reasons, believing I was oppositional or that I was going to simply grow out of it. It wasn't until high school that I was diagnosed with selective mutism, at least to my knowledge and I had no real intervention until then, which made life very difficult for me as I was becoming a teenager. I was socially isolated, recluse for years.

It was my school counsellor who recognised I had a condition known as SM. I talk about someone else later who changed my life.

Experiencing selective mutism is isolating and can have long-term impacts on all aspects of wellbeing. The impact of SM inhibited my temperament, my ability to flourish and forge friendships and other relationships due the dysregulation of my perceived-threat mechanisms at an early age. I didn't have any friends during my childhood. I'm being honest in saying that, I missed out on building blocks a child should go through and learn subtleties of communication and social skills. Others should not have to go through this. As a child until now, I've treasured a time playing with friends in the playground, having a friend you really care about, building a connection and reminiscing. Kids with SM need this if their not getting it at school because it can hurt them for the rest of their life. It's is crucial to seek help and for parents to actively work as part of team to help their child.

I transitioned to Evans River K-12 Community School for high school.

"Yards buzz with voices that loop around me like planets around a sun I can’t approach."

My mutism became more noticeable to others and the school environment was less forgiving with more kids I didn't know, more work and more expectation to speak. There was little understanding or support from the school or my parents. I felt misunderstood and alone, struggling to recognise or communicate my thoughts and feelings. The selective mutism (holistically) was not a choice, but a barrier I couldn't break through.

A caseworker for the school's MC (multi categorical) class, Miss Sharpe arranged a meeting with my parents. She put me in class where I wouldn't have to be in a normal roll call with other students and I had some extra privileges. She had no idea at least to my knowing that I had SM until later on, we worked together usually through handbooks and these handbooks worked around speech and conversation, what to say, how to greet people, practicing my speech. I was eventually able to start talking to her but to share my thoughts and feelings at times—I was having a crisis, I couldn't talk to her, I found I couldn't think clearly if at all, I froze.

"Sometimes even writing fails; then we just sit, the clock ticking, her presence saying, it’s all right."

I would want to explain something to her but when it came to an opportunity I couldn't do it. So she would ask me to write it down on paper and she would just wait, wait until I said something. I couldn't bear it as the years went by, I reached a point where nothing was getting anywhere, she knew it and I knew it. I had had enough. I was thinking about death. I broke down a lot of times during that time yr 7 - 9, particularly at the end of terms where I believed I'd be better, but I regressed, it was hard watching others be outgoing, loving, and feeling. I had to do something, anything to break the pattern of who I was. A day came where I made a spontaneous decision to expose my voice, my spirit, to my peers. I made that speech. On the second last Friday of the term 3 (yr 9, 2023) the speech was "The Truth About Me."

"I’m tired of being a ghost in my own life."

I was shivering in fear, I put my piece of paper in my pocket and I walked in and sat down. My heart was racing as I tried to stay still as possible. I couldn't. I would stay still as post, but not this time, I knew I was going to do it, I had envisioned it many many times. When the announcements were done, she called me up in front of them, I got up on my feet and the room was silent. Dead silent. A room more silent with this many you would not see, but I did it and this is what I said:

"The Truth About Me

I have never really been properly introduced but I’m Marvin Turner and this speech is the truth about me. I am a 14 year old boy that loves to do a lot of things and lives on a property with my dad, mum, me and my brother. My life at home has been an adventure. I enjoy playing games by myself, on the computer, on the console, board games, outside games, cricket,sports games, almost any game really. I enjoy listening to music from Nickelback, Rob Thomas and heaps of other artists. I enjoy watching a variety of creators on the youtube platform, my favourite being Seán McLoughlin who is a funny guy. I like photography, filming, and many other things. I enjoy working with my dad to fix problems around the property. But most of alI, I love playing with my nephews and nieces and that’s it. And that’s what life's like at home but at school my life is written differently...

You may have wondered why I don’t talk to others, play with others at school and you may think I’m like this everywhere but when I’m away from school I talk just like you. The first question kids asked me when I was little kid was why don’t you talk and I never answered the question. I didn’t know why back then, in fact no one knew, not even my parents. But since the start of year 7, so far I have talked more at school than ever. This is my tenth year like this and some people have waited just as long to hear the reason why I don’t talk. And this is why. I have an anxiety disorder called Selective Mutism. Selective mutism is the fear of talking. The fear of talking to a person in a specific situation which can affect what someone will think of me. It started at preschool, when someone would ask me a question and I entered a mode of flight or freeze because I dealt with it like a threat. It is more than just being shy. After months and months I reached primary school at which point I developed the habit of no expression and stiff posture. The most noticeable thing to everyone. Mutism continued for years which affected my relationships and my learning. But the hardest things were the thoughts of someone believing that I am stubborn because of the inability to change or talk, which can frustrate people. Being unable to say the most important things like, hello, bye, thank you and sorry. And I worry that others will think wrong of me because of how I act. These are things that have stuck in my mind and continued up until now, so

I’m hoping this helps you to understand more about me and know that I am trying hard to work against this disorder. In different ways I’m progressing with the help of lovely people like Ms Sharpe and others to support me to break through this and speak freely in the future. Thank you for listening."

I walked out of the gym when I was done. All I remember is walking out--in no particular direction, I cried and I didn't know how to feel yet, but I knew I had people to help me if I was alone. "I might just get chance to become someone." I was worried about a thousand different things after; are the people I like gonna like me?, how, where are we gonna meet? and maybe about 30 more different ruminations. She gave out sticky notes for the students to write something to me. I think I got them back later that day and I was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with emotion from the amount of kind messages I got from my peers. I had never felt that way, and it was one key turning point in my life...

Dr Elisa Shipon-Blum of the SMart center, a lead expert with her team of professionals are helping children with this disorder and they have provided a comprehensive insight into the nature of this disorder for people and I gained a deeper understanding of myself through their videos online. Don't go silent, find help and get it now while your is child is still young.